Red Flag

For the past 5 months, Jay and I have been going to counseling. We go just about every 2 weeks, not that we need too but we figured some space in between would be more beneficial. Over these past few months, I've learned more about Jay, more so then ever and I can say I've never felt more closer to him. Especially now that we're not have sex. After speaking with Dr. Campbell about me and Jay in a session, we were discussing ways in which Jay and I showed love for one another and of course sex was one. And it was Dr. Campbell who suggested that we practice abstinence, meaning no type of sexual content or anything that Jay and I can do to pleasure one another. And although Jay didn't like the idea, he soon came around just like he did about the counseling.

With trying to build towards a brighter future of happiness and success, Jay officially retired from the rap game, but still produces and manages, as well as keep himself busy with the kids and other side projects Jay has. Jay had really transformed a whole lot and I do mean a whole lot. We've been going out more than ever and have even started making arrangements for our wedding. I would say things are going rather well for us, we're still not living together though, but that has helped a lot with Jay and I trying to be sexual with each other.

And as for me, I've put off on trying to establish myself as a singer, I mean I did release my second album and all and too my surprise and debut at # 1.

But I've put it off because the amount if time and effort it requires, I needed to make time for Jay and the kids, especially with us working on things. And trying to juggle between playing mommy, and the managing 2 clothing lines, as well as taking frequents trips across the world for photos shoots and fashions shows, it can get pretty tough at times. But seeing all the change Jay has made has influence me to do so as well. And that's starting with being completely honest with him. You see our last few counseling sessions have been extremely intense, however Jay and I were able to work through them, with out having to fight and get mad at each other. I would say because of this he and I have come a long way. Which is the reason I have to tell him about Idris and I.

You see when Jay and I were on our "break" and before I even knew of Shelly and the situation, I know I made it seem like he and I were just friends, but then I would be lying. We never not once had sex or any type of sexual relations, but emotionally he and I connected. It got to the point where things were becoming a bit extreme for us, but at the end of the day I knew I wanted to be with Jay. I just can't believe I allowed myself to let it get that far. I guess I was just caught up in a vulnerable time, and by Jay and i fighting for the whole 3 months and Idris there to comfort me, how was I not suppose to catch feelings. Idris was giving me and showing me everything I wanted and needs from Jay, but to cut a long story short I told Idris it could never be anything between us after receiving a text from him, pretty much expressing his feelings for me. So I told him he and I could no longer be friends nor work together. It's bad enough I jeopardized our relationship with each other and here I was again about to jeopardize my very own.

We were suppose to be meeting again with Dr. Campbell tomorrow. But I didn't want to wait then to tell him, then was something he and I need to deal with, with just each other. And being that our relationship couldn't be any better, we were thinking about making our tomorrow's session last one and just continue to use the techniques we've been practicing to go further on in our relationship.

I know I should have been honest with him when the situation first came to hand and when I had the opportunity, but I was just to scared that I couldn't. I mean he knows about Idris and all, but he doesn't know it everything.

I think I'm more scared now then I was before at first, because I've waited so long to tell him, and i've been making him feel guilty about Shelly, when I know damn well I had my situation, which was part of the reason I forgave him so quick about the Shelly situation. And I know it's going to break his heart  when he hears it, I just hope he doesn't flip out.

............................

It was typical Saturday morning for me. I had just come back for my morning run. Running was something I just started about a month ago, as a suggestion made my Dr. Campbell to help relieve stress. And I must say it works. This morning I ran damn near 10 miles, but I refused to run back which would have made it 20 because it started raining, so I called for Rih Rih, my nanny to come get me from the ice cream shop, just up the street from where I ran too.

I'll admit, I had for a bit hungry from that run and plus when Brooklyn and Bryson saw the ice cream shop as Rih pulled up, they flipped out so I ended up having to buy them some. After getting home I went and got showered and cleaned up. If its one thing I hate to do, that would be getting sweat, it is so uncomfortable and gross. After I joined Rih and the kids in a game of hide and seek, and things were going good until noticed that Brooklyn was never ever found, not once. I instantly went into panic mode. We searched and searched the house but it was no sign of Brook anywhere.

I didn't want to have to do it, but my baby was missing in my own hot damn house, the police seemed like the right people to call. But I was interrupted by Jay who had come home early, from a breakfast meeting. I wasn't expecting him for another 2 hours. I also didn't want him to find out that I lost baby girl in my own house, like how do you explain that. I set the phone back on the hook and told Rih not to say anything and to take Bryson upsatirs then met Jay in the in the living room, I tried to play it cool but he saw right thought me.

(Jay) "What's going on with you?" He said with a weirded face expression as he began to make himself comfortable by undoing his tie and cuff links.

(Bey) "Nothing, what's makes you say that?" I said fidgeting with the pillow on the couch as my nerves grew bad.

Jay just stood there giving me a look insinuating that he knew I was lying "Do I look like boo boo the fool to you?" He asked sort of playfully.

I let out a deep sigh, because I knew he knew I was lying and he seemed like he wasn't in much of a playful mood, so I finally told him "ok, baby girl is missing, we were pl--"

(Jay) "Missing?" He interrupted "Missing how?" He asked all confused.

(Bey) "Well we were playing hide and seek, and well as you could see she was never found an--"

(Jay) "How long has she been missing?" He interrupted again.

(Bey) "like 30-40 mins"

(Jay) "You called the police?" He said beginning to search around the house.

(Bey) "No I was going but that's when you came." I said finally behind him. "Should I?" I asked not sure if I should do so.

(Jay) "Na, it's cool. I'm sure she's around here somewhere." He said still searching.

And in a matter of 10 minutes, Jay found baby girl passed out sleep in the laundry room, buried under a pile of clothes. Before Jay could even pick her up I snatched her up into my arms, hugging and kidding her.

(Bey) "Brooklyn Dallas Carter... You gave mommy a heart attack, what were you thinking hiding in here? You had mommy scared!" I said still all frantic.

(Brook) "I hiding mummy."

I picked Brook up and carried her out if the laundry room with out saying anything else. I was just happy I found her and that she wasn't lost into the world.

(Bey) "Now BB, you can't go off hiding in places like that...mommy thought you were gone." I said placing her on the counter top in the kitchen.

(Brook) "I sorry mummy, me can't hide no more."

(Bey) chuckles "You can still hide baby, but only where mommy can see you."

(Brook) "But then you find me."

(Bey) "I know.." I said as I playfully poked Brooks nose. Then here comes Jay and grabs her off the counter.

(Jay) "Alright baby girl, lets go find your brother?"

(Brook) "Is brother hiding too daddy?"

(Jay) "I don't know..." Jay said in his cute voice "lets go see."

From there they went off upstairs with Brsyon and Rih. And I sat there in the kitchen confused and pondering over my thoughts, trying to figure out Jay's deal. I could tell when he first came in that he had an attitude or was upset, and the way he just took baby girl off like that confirmed that I was right about him being moody.

I poured me up a glass of Hawaiian punch to quench my thirst then proceeded off to find Jay so we could talk and I could figured out what wrong. We met in my bedroom where he had just finished changing into some fresh clothes, I set in the bed and watched as he dressed, also trying to figure out how to get my words out.

(Jay) "what's up?" Jay finally said breaking the silence, as he looked back at me watching him.

(Bey) "huh" I said trying to act as if I didn't hear him.

(Jay) "I said what's.....up" he said much more louder and with more attitude.

(Bey) "Nevermind what's up with me, what's up with you?" I asked flipping things around on him.

(Jay) "Nothing." He said dryly.

(Bey) "Bullshit. You've had an attitude from the moment you stepped in here and I don't like it." I said trying to stay calm and remember my techniques "Like are you mad at me, did I do something wr--"

(Jay) "No and no."

(Bey) "Well if that's not it then what is it?"

(Jay) takes a deep sigh "Just leaving alone, ok...I don't want to talk about it." He said leaving out of the room and heading back downstairs.

(Bey) "So where back at square one I guess..." I said with an attitude as I followed behind him.

Jay stopped in the middle of his tracks and turned around to me and said "Look B, it's not like that ok. I had a long morning and I'm just not in the mood, so baby just chill."

After haring Jay out I decided to back off, I knew that in time he would soon talk to me and I didn't want to force him. Now let this would have been 2 years ago, it would have been a full blown out screaming match in here.

(Bey) "ok" I sweetly said "and I'm sorry for hounding  you, but I just didn't understand why you were acting like that, that's all."

Jay the stepped to me and kissed me on the lips, then said "I know, and I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have taken my frustration out on you."

(Bey) "it's okay" I said following behind jay once again. "How was your meeting?" I said changing the subject.

Jay set down on the couch and just before turning in the tv he checked his watch "It went good, I meet with them next week about closing a deal."

(Bey) "alriiiiight" I said holding up my hand to slap hands with Jay "I'm so happy for you baby...." I said leaning over to kiss him, as I sat aside of him.

(Jay) cracks a smile "Thanks...." He said as he looked at me.

Then things got quiet as Jay focused his attention on the tv. And it seemed like once things got quiet reality set back in and I remember I was suppose to be telling Jay about Idris, I had totally forgot from being distracted by Brook and Jay. And I honestly didn't wanna bring it up with just making up from that mini dispute with Jay, but I jut couldn't hold it in no longer.

(Bey) "Jay...." I quietly said trying to regain his attention.

(Jay) "Yea what's up babe...." He said not even making eye contact with me. Which had me looking off at the tv to see what had him so captivated, then I myself got caught up in the tv for a min, but I soon snapped out of it. Then I sat and thought to myself for second is this something that I really wanna do, was this the proper time, how is going to react, and will this ruin where we are now, but as apprehensive as I am I decided to go on and do it.

(Bey) "Jay can I talk to you about something?" I said speaking more clearly and confidently.

(Jay) "What's up, what you wanna talk about?" He said but this time actually looking at me.

Rih had the kids preoccupied upstairs and the kids had her, so I knew we wouldn't be interrupted. I just hope that it doesn't turn into an argument or anything, because I don't want the kids to have to listen to us.

I dropped my head into my hands and shook it around in disbelief because I couldn't this was actually happening right now.

(Jay) "B what's up?" Jay spoke again.

(Bey) "Your gonna hate me." I said as I busted into tears already, and I didn't even tell him anything yet. All I knew was that this could either make us or break us.

(Jay) "Why you crying?" Jay said grabbing ahold of me.

I wiped my tears away and brushed my hair out of face from shaking my head around. "That's because if you knew what I had to tell you then you would too." I said in a whimper.

Jay turns down the tv and moves closer to me, this time wrapping his arm around me fully to comfort me, " Go ahead baby, tell me what's wrong?" He said being very concerning.

I adjusted myself away from Jay so that I could speak to him face to face, "You know that session we had in counseling where we talked about Shelly and I mentioned some things to you about Idris." I said as my voice grew shaky.

(Jay) "Yea what about it?" He asked as his attitude quickly started to change.

(Bey) "I know I should have told you this sooner, or that day, but I couldn't bare to do it."

(Jay) "I hope your not about to say what I think your about to say because if you are..." He said raising up on the couch. I could tell he was becoming mad.

(Bey) "Just let me finish..." I began not giving him a chance to answer back "But I'm telling you now an---"

(Jay) "You ain't telling me shit, so far your just talking in circles."

As much as I wanted to cut up on Jay, for being such a jerk right now, I was going to let it slide because for one, I don't want to argue, and for two I need him as less mad at me as possible. This was our first dispute in a long time.

I rolled my eyes in frustration at Jay's comment, he was making it so hard to get my words out. "We'll as I was saying, I lied about just being friends with him, cuz when it came down to it, I was feeling him and he was feeling me." I finally got out.

(Jay) "And I guess yal were feeling each other huh?" He mumble to himself but still enough for me up hear, he was trying to be a smart ass.

(Bey) "Look I don't wanna fight with you, I'm telling you this because I feel it's right, it's been killing me trying to hold this back from you, but seeing all the progress we made, I didn't want to let it all go down the drain."

Jay didn't say anything, he just sat on the end of the couch, with his hands presses together at his chance, rocking back and forth. He was HEATED.

(Bey) "Jay, baby.....talk to me." I said reaching out to touch him but he snatched away.

(Jay) "Don't touch me!" He said in a very angry tone.

(Bey) "Well can you at least say something? I me--"

(Jay) "Did you fuck him?" He snapped.

(Bey) "what?! NO!"

(Jay) "Hmp!"

(Bey) "What's that suppose to mean?" I said getting offended.

(Jay) "Take it how you wanna?"

(Bey) "I can't believe your acting like this."

(Jay) "And how am I suppose to act when you tell me shit like that."

(Bey) "I'm just saying, you see how I felt when you told me about Shelly, and here you go acting, the same way, what happened to being understanding?"

(Jay) "Is that your defense for everything.....Shelly?! After 5 months of counseling you would think that you would have been over it by now. That was 2 ye---, hold up" he said as his face grew redder "You've been holding this from me for 2 years and the whole time you've been making me feel guilty for one little slip up."

(Bey) "But the difference is JAY, you fucked the bitch..."

(Jay) "And you didn't fuck him?" He turned right around and asked.

(Bey) "God no, Jay, how could you ask me that, you should know me better then that."

(Jay) "Your right, I should...but I don't"

He said making his way towards to door.

(Bey) "Where are you going?" I said half way following after him.

(Jay) "I don't know....but to cool off and clear my head."

I didn't say anything. I just watched as Jay headed out the door. I understood completely how he was feeling, and I actually felt much better knowing I had gotten that off my chest. I had no intentions to see Idris after that day again, and although we didn't physically do anything I just knew at that time how I was feeling about him which is the reason I wanted to tell Jay, I couldn't hold in the guilt much longer. And things didn't turn out how I expected but it went so much better then what I was thinking. I know Jay is feeling some type of way right now, but I know it will pass. We made it too damn far to end back up at square one, and on some real shit i just been through this too long and i'll be damn if i see another chick on his arm!